February 1

Today was a hard day all around. 

For the past few days and weeks, I’ve been reflecting on dad’s achievements: from walking without a cane or the help of another, to working out on the erg, to staying up later into the evening, to being more emotionally present when he’s around the rest of us. Though there have been harder days, and I’m reminding myself not to seek out trends, dad has generally been rehabilitating and recovering a lot of physical and mental strength. Today we saw something we weren’t expecting: failure on dad’s mindpower and memory. 

Dad, Bob, and Charlie were heading to get an early lunch at a local pho spot in Mountain View. Dad knows this area well, but after a few attempts to give Bob directions, he was unable to recall how to get to the restaurant. At first he was confused, then apologized over and over again for his difficulties.

Dad’s hair has started falling out today, something he’s been expecting since the meeting with his doctor on Friday. For me, who wasn’t expecting this, I saw through all the progress and healing from the brain surgery to the unfortunate reality of his cancer when I saw the bald patch on dad’s head. 

The energy was low around the house all day. Dad relayed to my mom and I how he’s beginning to realize some of implications of his condition. Even before expressing these realizations outright, I was feeling heavy from my own awakening into the circumstances. I imagine the “house” energy fed off the other independently low energies in the house. 

We had a very full house this afternoon. Mom, dad, Erin, Kelly, Bob, Charlie, Andy, Mike, and I were all hanging out in the house throughout the afternoon. I made dinner, and Erin performed some of her music for all of us. Having been fortunate enough to share a space with this powerful presence for almost four years, I have to say how soothed and relaxed I feel after hearing Erin sing. I’m hurting to realize that she’s leaving tomorrow. 

Today I feel so grateful to Kelly, who spent the entire day hanging around with all of us. She’s one of those who knows how to be there, even when all you need is quiet. She’s making a difference for me. Last night I was snuggled up between her and Erin all night, and it couldn’t have been better. 

Thank you to mom, Bob, Kelly, and Erin for the important, honest conversation tonight. Image

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